My first Facebook profile picture.
Facebook just turned ten years old. There's plenty to say about the world's most influential and widely-used social network; the commentariat is weighing on its business prospects, its cultural reach, and the technology it's embraced over the years. But most of us look back at Facebook and see a massive time capsule. It's a big ugly oral history of ourselves, as we've seen fit to record onto a platform we willingly share with friends, family, and like-minded strangers.
Here's proof: My own personal history told through nothing chronologically ordered Facebook status updates and the responses to them. Work or travel-related posts have been filtered out to better capture ordinary life, or at least ordinary life refracted through a lens of a digital archive that squeezes ad bucks from idle thoughts.
All quotations denote a status update unless otherwise attributed.
Born on October 4, 1983.
Scott Merchant was Born [brother]
Graduated from University of California, Santa Barbara (College)
Joined Facebook
"Hello, everyone out there. I know I'm late to the party, but I was waiting for them to boot out all the pedophiles."
"I can tell you from experience that they missed a few." -Matt Hayes.
"Welcome to 2008! You should join here next http://www.friendster.com/" -Jerry James Stone
"Hey Brian, Finally had to join eh? How r u? How was the trip to Europe?" -Scott Merchant
"This is weird." [link to curious and/or surprising article redacted]
"Woops." [link to unfortunate news item redacted]
"Hi Brian! How's life in the Big Apple? You lucky guy!" -Linda Moreno Merchant [aunt]
"oh, hey, hi, what's up, how's it going?" -Bobby Halverson
Brian Merchant "is permitting the tallest man on earth to sing him to sleep."
"This is not okay." [photograph of man submerging his hand into the front of his jeans in public park redacted]
Brian Merchant "is about to fly over the Gulf oil spill in a US Coast Gaurd plane." [sic]
"Wear a seat belt!" -Corrina Laughlin
"Jesu, you get to do everything cool" - Goodloe Byron
"Everything except spell 'Guard' correctly, that is."
"Congrats!"
"Ghana v US. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo."
"Boo." -Brian Parisi
Brian Merchant "broke his phone and is not sure if it's receiving calls."
"!!!!!" [link to a favorable political development redacted]
Brian Merchant "is back in Granite Bay. Anyone around?"
"i'm around, and happy birthday as well." -Nick Mayers
"Happy Birthday!"
-33 friends posted on your timeline for your birthday.
"Hoooooooo-weeee. Close call -- carbon monoxide detectors blaring in the apartment, just got out of there. We left the stove on all night, it turns out."
"Holy carbon! I always teased my mom for making me buy those things! Moms get stuff right" -Andre Gonzalez [cousin]
"jeez man" -Chip Moreland
"Eeee" -Ryan Hall
":(" -David Krystal
"There has to be a problem with Spotify's music-monitoring software. There's no way that Len's "Steal my Sunshine" could possibly be one of my most-listened-to tracks. Right?"
"So it turns out you can't leave a new carton of milk out in the summer heat even for 20 minutes. What a dumb beverage."
"Storm's a-comin."
"Brian Merchant, Hurricane Survivor."
"Q: Did I just eat an entire can of Beefaroni, purchased as a last resort hurricane provision, despite the fact that it's a sunny 80 degrees outside?
A: Yes, yes I did."
"Fun fact: I have now been at the airport in Portland for 9 hours."
"Occupy Brooklyn begins ..."
"This Brian Merchant sucks." [link to news item about Brian Merchant arrested on stabbing charges redacted]
"Woops." [link to unfortunate news item redacted]
"There's an #Occupy Wall Street book coming out from OR books. You should buy it ... all proceeds will go to OWS."
"Represent." [link to article about hometown area code redacted]
"Sandy Hill, A Large Grump Well, I'm ordained." [link to minister certificate at the Universal Life Church redacted]
"I am now the proud owner of a bitcoin. And it is worth $138."
"The early, early train is silent and half-full. Mr. Piazza, I ramble towards ye."
"Quite a nice weekend with Zachary Piazza, though even the mild boozing and good-timery evidently leaves me bed-ridden with the flu these days."
"Okay, so not everyone agrees with me. But the new season of Arrested Development was a massive letdown. Here's what I think killed it..." [link to anti-Arrested Development screed redacted]
"Hey everyone! Who's a) in New York right now, and b) is skilled enough with scissors and tweezers to take stitches out of my neck? Corrina tried last night, but to no avail."
"So proud of my ol bro. Congrats on getting into med school, good Ed!"
"Thanks for all the kind bday wishes yesterday, all—helped make the big one go down nice and easy."
"Whoops."
The result, apparently, is a pretty strikingly mundane public record of the frivolous, non-intimate minutiae that fills our lives (my girlfriend and I don't really use it to interact much, for instance). This is what Facebook ultimately leaves us; a history of half-cooked jokes, simple well-wishing, and the relaying of tiny personal crises and triumphs, and occasionally big ones. Future historians are going to have a hell of a time sorting through all this rot, that's for certain.